Waist Deep

Most people have attempted some sort of flip or dive or jump into a pool from a diving board. If you haven't, I would suggest giving it a try... it is quite a treat. Anyway, years ago I had done front flips into pools, but never back flips. I tried back flips: I got on the board, walked to the edge, turned around, got my heels off the edge just a bit, then walked back onto solid ground. I was afraid to do a back flip for whatever reason. And because of this fear I was content with flipping forwards only.

Then, one day my friend Wes did a back flip and told me to do one. I did my same hesitant approach and same cowardly walking away: fear got the best of me again. But Wes did not give up quite yet. He did another back flip then told me, "just do it dude."

I still remember the pool: the shape, where the grade was, what rafts were in that pool, who was there. I took my approach with a new found confidence, and I got my heels off the board and again Wes said, "Just do it." I took a deep breath, and jumped backwards and flipped and landed with a splash into that cool water on the hot summer day. I did it.

And once I did it, I was free to do it time and time again, no fear, no hold backs. I did at least five back flips that day, and more that summer then I care to count. Then the pools all closed, and winter froze the earth. Once spring had brought enough warmth to allow it, the pools opened up again. And once again, I went to a friends pool to have some fun in the sun. I decided to do one of those awesome back flips that I learned how to do the previous year. Confident approach, heels off... cowardly I walked away.

For whatever reason, that fear had come back. I told myself time and time again that I had nothing to worry about, I pulled from my own personal experienced, but I could not do it. Later that summer I reached deep into my past experience and remembered my friends advice to "just do it" and I just did it. Once again, I had broken that barrier of fear and I had freed myself for another summer.

I am sure by now you can imagine the pattern that happened every summer, it baffles me to this day, but it seems to happen every summer.

This is me.

I do this with everything.

Girls, friends, classes, songs, every aspect of my life. I have this fear that I break time and time again, but it somehow comes back.

I have a fear of being submerged in God too.

I have lived all the way submerged in the ocean that is God, searching for some sort of bottom, knowing that I will not find it. When I am submerged I understand that I do not need the air on the outside, I can breath under this water. I know from my past experiences that there is nothing to be afraid of.

I am afraid.

Matthew 6:25-34 is a passage entitled "Do Not Worry" in my Bible. It ends in saying, "seek first the kingdom" and everything else will come. It goes against the general logical thinking that is used in this world. We think in a way that says, "care for yourself" but God says, "care for my kingdom and I will care for you... I do a much better job at it anyway."

I want to jump backwards and flip.

I am sick of walking away cowardly.