Summers are unhealthy for me. Very unhealthy for me.
Not one week ago I was preparing for my finals, and every moment of every day was dedicated to everything that I knew I had to do. I was organized, and I knew every day what had to be done, and NOTHING eluded me. However, today I sit on the couch after a somewhat productive day. I got a job interview, got my oil changed and did a few hours of score study. Back in high school this would have been a very productive day, and I would be completely fine and been able to go to bed fine.
However, I am anxious. I have this very strong feeling that I am missing something, that I have forgotten something, or that there is something that I am supposed to be doing. I did not sleep well last summer, and I will not sleep well this summer. I need to relax, but I have no idea how.
I have no thoughts beyond expressing this constant feeling of anxiety in my body and my mind. I cannot rest because I am doing nothing. I feel that the treadmill is moving under my feet, but I am not running, and every time I look down the treadmill is still.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The Most Bizarre Day of My Life... Ends the Most Insane Semester of My Life.
My last blog post reflected my situation, my struggle to continue on with the most work and the most pressure I have had on my academia in my entire life. If I go through another semester as rigorous as the last, you will certainly hear from me again.
Anyway, today is a reflection of the day I now exist in, and the one I am coming from.
Yesterday, Tuesday, I woke up at 7:30 AM, in order to begin studying for exams. 2 exams later, I found myself cleaning my room for check-out at 2:15 with the help of two friends. Checkout was at 4:45. So we cleaned and cleaned, and we were running behind. Thankfully, the RA was also running behind, and I barely made it to my checkout time. After checkout I got dinner in the dinning hall for the last time as a resident of Calvin College, after which I spent the next hour and a half napping, checking in for my flight and packing my car.
I then took some "personal time" ;)
This brings me to my 9:00 PM - 1:00 AM shift. I expected to be slow, and to be able to work on the last final that was due the following day (Wednesday) at 9:00 AM. Of course, I could not wait until 9:00 AM, because my flight for Florida left at 6:00 AM. As the close got closer, I began to panic, realizing that I had not worked at all on my final and after my shift ended I would only have 3 1/2 hours to work. In panic, I asked Annette, my hero of the day, to finish my shift so I could begin working on the final. Like an angel descending from Heaven, she released me from my duties around 11:45 PM. I finished the final at 4:00 Wednesday morning.
At this point, I had to make sure I had everything from my dorm, and I had to print my boarding passes. 4:25 AM I arrived at my home, I had to pack and leave at 4:45 AM for the airport. The morning was running perfectly on time. I arrived at the airport, and everything went smoothly (except when they threw away my face wash and toothpaste... there goes $10). I got through customs and walked straight onto my plane without a wait.
The plane took off, and flew me into the sunrise above the clouds. Then on the way back down through the clouds, I was struck by the incredible beauty of the sun on the clouds, and the distant ground beneath it. I was inspired. So naturally, I took out my summer choir repertoire, and began looking at Philip Stopford's setting of For the Beauty of the Earth. That piece finally made sense to me, and there was nothing left to do but to cry.
I am now sitting in Cleveland Airport, Wednesday morning 7:29 (due to the time change), after a full 25 hours of nonstop madness, I sit composed, and full of life.
What a fitting way to end the most insane semester of my life. Enjoying today, and looking forward to tomorrow.
Join me, would ya?
-Ben
Anyway, today is a reflection of the day I now exist in, and the one I am coming from.
Yesterday, Tuesday, I woke up at 7:30 AM, in order to begin studying for exams. 2 exams later, I found myself cleaning my room for check-out at 2:15 with the help of two friends. Checkout was at 4:45. So we cleaned and cleaned, and we were running behind. Thankfully, the RA was also running behind, and I barely made it to my checkout time. After checkout I got dinner in the dinning hall for the last time as a resident of Calvin College, after which I spent the next hour and a half napping, checking in for my flight and packing my car.
I then took some "personal time" ;)
This brings me to my 9:00 PM - 1:00 AM shift. I expected to be slow, and to be able to work on the last final that was due the following day (Wednesday) at 9:00 AM. Of course, I could not wait until 9:00 AM, because my flight for Florida left at 6:00 AM. As the close got closer, I began to panic, realizing that I had not worked at all on my final and after my shift ended I would only have 3 1/2 hours to work. In panic, I asked Annette, my hero of the day, to finish my shift so I could begin working on the final. Like an angel descending from Heaven, she released me from my duties around 11:45 PM. I finished the final at 4:00 Wednesday morning.
At this point, I had to make sure I had everything from my dorm, and I had to print my boarding passes. 4:25 AM I arrived at my home, I had to pack and leave at 4:45 AM for the airport. The morning was running perfectly on time. I arrived at the airport, and everything went smoothly (except when they threw away my face wash and toothpaste... there goes $10). I got through customs and walked straight onto my plane without a wait.
The plane took off, and flew me into the sunrise above the clouds. Then on the way back down through the clouds, I was struck by the incredible beauty of the sun on the clouds, and the distant ground beneath it. I was inspired. So naturally, I took out my summer choir repertoire, and began looking at Philip Stopford's setting of For the Beauty of the Earth. That piece finally made sense to me, and there was nothing left to do but to cry.
I am now sitting in Cleveland Airport, Wednesday morning 7:29 (due to the time change), after a full 25 hours of nonstop madness, I sit composed, and full of life.
What a fitting way to end the most insane semester of my life. Enjoying today, and looking forward to tomorrow.
Join me, would ya?
-Ben
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Metaphor Time
So I run for this elite running team. I pay them, and they teach me. (metaphor obvious?)
I knew that this season was a big one. I had found a new love for the sport, and they had lined up some serious races for me. I ran a few mid distance races, and did better then I had ever done before, but the big race was the marathon. All of my training from my entire life was for this race, and I wanted it bad. I toed the line, and was off at the gun. I ran a brilliant race, pacing myself to stay with the leaders, and giving everything I had to cross that finish line the best I could.
After coming across the finish line, I collapsed in victory, I had done it. I fell over, completely spent. Then my trainers came up to me and said "great job on that one, but you have to do this one now." I could hardly believe it, and it took some time to regain my feet. But once I was back on my feet, I took off with the same vigor that I had the marathon. Again, I finished in victory, with my head high; and again I collapsed at the end of it. I wonder if you could guess what happened next.
I ran yet another race. This one caused me to stumble a few times, but I regained my feet and I pushed through. The victory was bitter this time, due to the lack of rest I had stumbled a few times. At the end of that race I collapsed: I had finished the race, but not in victory. How could I with such exhaustion? From the end of the first race I had spent myself entirely, and since then I had put in two more races with no rest.
I am now on what I have been told is the final race: another marathon. The only difference this time is that I do not know if my feet will carry me. I feel that my legs may give out before this one is done. This marathon is walked at an excruciatingly slow pace, making the race seem an eternity; and though I know the course, I am not convinced it will ever end.
I knew that this season was a big one. I had found a new love for the sport, and they had lined up some serious races for me. I ran a few mid distance races, and did better then I had ever done before, but the big race was the marathon. All of my training from my entire life was for this race, and I wanted it bad. I toed the line, and was off at the gun. I ran a brilliant race, pacing myself to stay with the leaders, and giving everything I had to cross that finish line the best I could.
After coming across the finish line, I collapsed in victory, I had done it. I fell over, completely spent. Then my trainers came up to me and said "great job on that one, but you have to do this one now." I could hardly believe it, and it took some time to regain my feet. But once I was back on my feet, I took off with the same vigor that I had the marathon. Again, I finished in victory, with my head high; and again I collapsed at the end of it. I wonder if you could guess what happened next.
I ran yet another race. This one caused me to stumble a few times, but I regained my feet and I pushed through. The victory was bitter this time, due to the lack of rest I had stumbled a few times. At the end of that race I collapsed: I had finished the race, but not in victory. How could I with such exhaustion? From the end of the first race I had spent myself entirely, and since then I had put in two more races with no rest.
I am now on what I have been told is the final race: another marathon. The only difference this time is that I do not know if my feet will carry me. I feel that my legs may give out before this one is done. This marathon is walked at an excruciatingly slow pace, making the race seem an eternity; and though I know the course, I am not convinced it will ever end.
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