Beliefs vs. Material Reality

Today I am struck by the complexity of my own ignorance.

I believe a few things about this world. As do you (even if you do not think that you do... you do). One of the things I believe, or at least that I thought I believed was that all is meaningless. Everything that we do is meaningless. It is like a cog in a watch, the cog decides that it will spin in circles, and spin and spin... then one day, it decides to break. The cog deciding to break is nothing that the cog ultimately constructed or did on its own... it simply fits into the timeline. At this hour on this day for this reason, the cog broke. It gets recorded into a history book, and that is all. Of course, it always was in a history book because it was always the thing that was going to happen to that cog at that moment.

That is all. All is meaningless.

However, I am an idiot.

See, I would acknowledge that belief, however I do not.

Let me put it this way. If you asked me what I believed, the above is what I would tell you. However, if you observed how I acted, then you could prove that I do not believe the above. This is the difference between our set of beliefs and our material reality.

Here's an example, which caught my eye enough to cause me to write this blog.

I was watching a Youtube video, and like many videos, the guy is giving something away. All you have to do is "like" the video and comment. So I, along with the millions of others (proving that I indeed will not win this Xbox) clicked the "like" button and commented. (aaahahahaha, I am really quite stupid) Here is what I commented:

"It's all meaningless anyway isn't it? So... this, holding suit with everything else in existence, doesn't matter. Neither would me winning that Xbox"

I would say... yeah. True. Well said. But, I commented. I tried to win that Xbox, which proves that it was not a meaningless endeavor to me. In that action, stating one of my beliefs I proved that I did not believe it.

But this puts me into the middle of my own paradox, because I have realized that what I believe I do not believe. Now what? Do I change what I believe? Do I desperately attempt to change how I behave? Or do I add the clause that I am a hypocrite to my "beliefs"?

What is That of Which You Speak?

Girl: How big is the universe?
Man: Infinite
Girl: How do you know?
Man: I know because all the data indicates that it's infinite
Girl: But it hasn't been proven yet.
Man: No
Girl: You haven't seen it.
Man: No
Girl: How do you know for sure?
Man: I don't, I just believe it.
Girl: mmm... It's the same with love I guess.

-A Beautiful Mind

I recently had the thought that love is not a choice, but rather it is something that either we find, or finds us through our lives. Many people said this is wrong; that we can indeed choose to love. I agree that we can choose to love, but to find love... I wonder what can be done about that.

We all have places that we search for love: religion, family, friends, sex, etc... The only truth that I can imagine is that love comes about when one is not alone. Perhaps loneliness is the absence of love. Perhaps the absence of love is an existential atheism. Though we all have remarked how much we love inanimate objects, I deem that love is not something that can be chosen, or found, or even stumbled upon with inanimate objects.

I wonder, whether it is a choice or an accident, when we know we have found love. Perhaps we may only know this when we find the end of the universe, but I enjoy entertaining this analogy. As I understand it, the universe is infinitely large and infinitely small. This would be in line with the quote above, but how many times are we mistaken about this? One man may fly to the moon, and certainly that is the end of the universe; where another man may fly the the furthest reaches of light, and deem that the end of the universe; and still another may - through means which seem utterly impossible to us based on the little we know of the possibilities of technology - fly past the reaches of light. I wonder which man has found the end of the universe.

So then, if this analogy truly follows, I wonder also which man has found love. Perhaps the man with a thousand concubines; or is it the man with a wife of 60 years; or maybe it is the young man who is madly in love with the girl of his dreams, and he is slipping the ring on her finger; but even still could it be the little girl who is absolutely certain that she is going to marry the boy across the street; or could it possibly be the man who, 20 years later, looks upon the picture of his beloved, praying for her return. This same question could be asked in reference to those who search for love through religion, friends or sex.

I suppose that the answer is such as the one in the quote. One may never answer this question, but is forced to act on belief.

The terrible reality of this world is such as this: if one believes in the wrong answer, the answer is still wrong.

Anxious.

Summers are unhealthy for me. Very unhealthy for me.

Not one week ago I was preparing for my finals, and every moment of every day was dedicated to everything that I knew I had to do. I was organized, and I knew every day what had to be done, and NOTHING eluded me. However, today I sit on the couch after a somewhat productive day. I got a job interview, got my oil changed and did a few hours of score study. Back in high school this would have been a very productive day, and I would be completely fine and been able to go to bed fine.

However, I am anxious. I have this very strong feeling that I am missing something, that I have forgotten something, or that there is something that I am supposed to be doing. I did not sleep well last summer, and I will not sleep well this summer. I need to relax, but I have no idea how.

I have no thoughts beyond expressing this constant feeling of anxiety in my body and my mind. I cannot rest because I am doing nothing. I feel that the treadmill is moving under my feet, but I am not running, and every time I look down the treadmill is still.

The Most Bizarre Day of My Life... Ends the Most Insane Semester of My Life.

My last blog post reflected my situation, my struggle to continue on with the most work and the most pressure I have had on my academia in my entire life. If I go through another semester as rigorous as the last, you will certainly hear from me again.

Anyway, today is a reflection of the day I now exist in, and the one I am coming from.

Yesterday, Tuesday, I woke up at 7:30 AM, in order to begin studying for exams. 2 exams later, I found myself cleaning my room for check-out at 2:15 with the help of two friends. Checkout was at 4:45. So we cleaned and cleaned, and we were running behind. Thankfully, the RA was also running behind, and I barely made it to my checkout time. After checkout I got dinner in the dinning hall for the last time as a resident of Calvin College, after which I spent the next hour and a half napping, checking in for my flight and packing my car.

I then took some "personal time" ;)

This brings me to my 9:00 PM - 1:00 AM shift. I expected to be slow, and to be able to work on the last final that was due the following day (Wednesday) at 9:00 AM. Of course, I could not wait until 9:00 AM, because my flight for Florida left at 6:00 AM. As the close got closer, I began to panic, realizing that I had not worked at all on my final and after my shift ended I would only have 3 1/2 hours to work. In panic, I asked Annette, my hero of the day, to finish my shift so I could begin working on the final. Like an angel descending from Heaven, she released me from my duties around 11:45 PM. I finished the final at 4:00 Wednesday morning.

At this point, I had to make sure I had everything from my dorm, and I had to print my boarding passes. 4:25 AM I arrived at my home, I had to pack and leave at 4:45 AM for the airport. The morning was running perfectly on time. I arrived at the airport, and everything went smoothly (except when they threw away my face wash and toothpaste... there goes $10). I got through customs and walked straight onto my plane without a wait.

The plane took off, and flew me into the sunrise above the clouds. Then on the way back down through the clouds, I was struck by the incredible beauty of the sun on the clouds, and the distant ground beneath it. I was inspired. So naturally, I took out my summer choir repertoire, and began looking at Philip Stopford's setting of For the Beauty of the Earth. That piece finally made sense to me, and there was nothing left to do but to cry.

I am now sitting in Cleveland Airport, Wednesday morning 7:29 (due to the time change), after a full 25 hours of nonstop madness, I sit composed, and full of life.

What a fitting way to end the most insane semester of my life. Enjoying today, and looking forward to tomorrow.

Join me, would ya?

-Ben

Metaphor Time

So I run for this elite running team. I pay them, and they teach me. (metaphor obvious?)

I knew that this season was a big one. I had found a new love for the sport, and they had lined up some serious races for me. I ran a few mid distance races, and did better then I had ever done before, but the big race was the marathon. All of my training from my entire life was for this race, and I wanted it bad. I toed the line, and was off at the gun. I ran a brilliant race, pacing myself to stay with the leaders, and giving everything I had to cross that finish line the best I could.

After coming across the finish line, I collapsed in victory, I had done it. I fell over, completely spent. Then my trainers came up to me and said "great job on that one, but you have to do this one now." I could hardly believe it, and it took some time to regain my feet. But once I was back on my feet, I took off with the same vigor that I had the marathon. Again, I finished in victory, with my head high; and again I collapsed at the end of it. I wonder if you could guess what happened next.

I ran yet another race. This one caused me to stumble a few times, but I regained my feet and I pushed through. The victory was bitter this time, due to the lack of rest I had stumbled a few times. At the end of that race I collapsed: I had finished the race, but not in victory. How could I with such exhaustion? From the end of the first race I had spent myself entirely, and since then I had put in two more races with no rest.

I am now on what I have been told is the final race: another marathon. The only difference this time is that I do not know if my feet will carry me. I feel that my legs may give out before this one is done. This marathon is walked at an excruciatingly slow pace, making the race seem an eternity; and though I know the course, I am not convinced it will ever end.

Not Because We Can... But Because There is Nothing Else to do.

Do you ever feel so undeserving of something, that every time you experience it you weep? Something so great, so powerful, and you stand before it naked? Ashamed? Scared?

You can see all of your flaws laid out before you, each and every one, "significant" or not, and so can it. There is no hiding, there is no running. At times you wish that it would flee! You wish in your insanity that you could be rid of the burden of greatness before you, and move back to the lies that you existed in previously in comfort.

And then, when you are ever more in a state of undeserving, that thing, that entity... thanks you.

That entity enters into your current situation, and claims it as both of your current situations. That entity says that you are in this together. That entity smiles.

You realize that you are all that you are, good and bad, and there is nothing else you can be at that moment.

All that is left is to be perfect and blameless.

Let us do it.

Courage or Ignorance.

When fear grips us, it is always better to try, even if we may fail, then to cowardly turn away.

(of course, this is referring to all of those black and white moments in life... haha).

I believe that to be true. I believe that we are the first line of defense against our dreams coming true. I believe that it is silly and foolish to sit in mediocrity and comfort when outside of our comfort zone, and within our fear lies the true key to accomplishment and achievement.

So yes. When fear grips us, it is always better to try, even if we may fail, then to cowardly turn away.

Imagine if someone were holding a gun to your beloved (in whatever form that takes for you), and you had the opportunity to stop the bullet with your arm. You know full well the damage that could be inflicted upon you by the bullet. It is better to run into your fears, in the way of the bullet to save your beloved. That is called courage.

But imagine that you had no understanding of a gun, imagine if you had no concept of the damage possible from a bullet tearing into your flesh. Then, walking in front of that bullet would not be courageous, nor would it be the better thing to do by any convincing manor. Walking in front of the bullet would be like a dog walking in front of a moving car, it would be ignorance and foolishness. That also would not be engaging fear, there would likely be no fear held if you had no understanding of the consequences.

So there are two sides to the coin... courage, which benefits and ignorance, which has no place in the world.

My ultimate question is this: which way do we engage love? Through courage or ignorance?

-Ben