A Christmas Story

What Christmas celebration stands out in your mind? Is is a certain tradition? Is it a certain gift? Is it a certain person/group of people?

Last year I had a Christmas celebration that sits more fondly in my mind than most. It was like nothing I had ever done before: no gifts, no church service, none of the "usual" people, one person I hardly knew, and one person I had never before met.

Four of the people there were family: one aunt, and three cousins. No uncle. No dad/mom. Through an unfortunate series of events I ended up at this house for Christmas eve. First there was the divorce. Then some eight years later I moved in with my dad. Then the next year I moved in with my sister, and finally ended up at my Aunt and Uncle's. Then a separation turned it from my Aunt and Uncle's to my Aunt's. We were brought together by brokenness.

Then the two strangers: both people who worked with my Aunt, but each person from the other of the two jobs my Aunt worked. The first lived with us for a time. She had just gotten a divorce, and had nowhere really to go. She told me later that this Christmas was so strange because nobody was drunk... that had been all she knew until this Christmas. The second was going to be alone for Christmas. She and her mom had gotten into a fight, and her mom went up north to be with family without her. She didn't even have a car. All seven of us were brought together by brokenness.

Seven broken people, with broken pasts leading them to the oddest of Christmas dinners. We sat down to an impressive meal, and enjoyed talking and story telling. For some reason, every single person in that house fit together, we became some oddly assorted family. We laughed more than I had for a long time. We did not exchange any gifts, or go to a Christmas eve service. We simply spent time together, and enjoyed each other. We forgot about our pasts and our presents, and we just existed together.

The love that was in that house was sonorous and tangible like a Beethoven symphony.

With love for all on this Holiday season, my hope is for every person to get a moment to spend with people. Maybe not the people you had hoped for, maybe not the people you could have possibly guessed, but just people. And I hope that everyone can enjoy a moment of love similar to mine.

Merry, happy, blessed ChristmaKwanzaaHanukkah to all.

Today I am Thankful

Today I am thankful for all of the people whose shoulders we now stand on. Some for the better, some for the worse, but all of them bring us to the world we now know. A world divided: a perfect juxtaposition between all things good and all things terrible.

A few years ago I was talking with a good friend of mine about my parents' divorce. We talked about the ways in which the divorce made me who I am, about all of the negative and the positive. Yes, even in this terrible event that happened in my life, there is positive. At the end of the conversation, he asked me if I could go back and live my life without the divorce if I would. I answered that I couldn't, because the divorce set my life into the path which it took, and without the divorce; without that path, I would not be me.

If we looked back and took the good, and not the bad we would not be us. The world is not what it should be. Evil should not be allowed to prevail, and it is tragic that it does. However, the world we live in is beautiful. People are evil, but people love. People are ugly, but people are beautiful. Our past is terrible, but our past is good.

Today I am thankful for EVERYTHING that has brought me to where I am. The falls and the triumphs. I encourage you to think harder this year on this day of thanks. Think deeper this year, and consider what you take for granted; or even deeper, think of the things that you have looked upon with a bad taste in your mouth, and ask yourself if you can find a way to be thankful for those moments.

Today I am thankful for YOU.

Love and blessings.

-Ben

A Storm Past, A Storm to Come.

I sat there in a stall in the men's room: the only place on the planet where nobody else would join me; the only place where the filth on the floor made me feel at home. Was that the best I could have done? Regardless, that was the best I did. What does that say about me? My head in my hands, no tears, just pure disappointment. Had I only started sooner. Had I only worked harder.

I had disappointed some of the most inspiring people I had ever met. Some of the people I cared most about at that moment. People invested in me and I let them down.

That was the worst moment of my life.

Every day I get a choice. Am I busy? of course. Am I tired? ...still. Am I depressed? sometimes.

Do I still get my choice? Absolutely.

Every day I get a choice, whether I am going to be the best I can possibly be on that day or not. That is the choice. Every morning, from the moment my alarm clock rings I toe the line of another day. This day brings a new challenge, but as I toe this line I am offered the same choice I was yesterday. Do I choose to be the best I possibly can, or do I choose to be the other?

It's that simple too. There is no middle ground. Not for me, at least. If I choose to be anything less than the best that I can be, I am choosing mediocrity, and that is the biggest let down I can give to myself and everyone around me.

The week before I sat in that stall I had plenty of times to make a better choice. The month before... the year before. I came up short because I chose to.

I never want to sit there again and see the filth on the floor as my equal.

Monday I choose.

Tuesday I choose.

Wednesday I choose,

Thursday I choose.

Friday I choose.

Saturday I choose.

Sunday I choose.

That storm is past. Bring on the next.

I am the 99%... and that's ok

I grew up poor, but surrounded by love. I have a supporting mother who helps me with my rent. I am a student at Calvin College. I drive a car from 1995, and I am blessed to have it. I make very little money. I love the people around me. I will graduate with tens of thousands of student loans into a field that pays poorly.

I am the 99%... and that's ok.

I am more fortunate than most... even much of the 1%. Does easy living and money really solve problems? I get to do what I love every day. If I have to work 2 jobs to do that, so be it.

I see what the 99% is saying, but they are acting purely from a point of a victim, and with a sense of entitlement. We are truly not entitled to anything in the physical world. We live within our means, and we do what we have to in order to support those around us. Then when we are in need those around us support us back.

The world is torn and twisted, and the evil that permeates it is daunting and should not be ignored.

Joy is an odd thing to pin down, but it is not a result of "happiness"

Standing On the Edge

This entire summer I have been anticipating the semester that begins on Tuesday. I have poured myself out time and time again in my thoughts about this semester. And now that I stand on the brink I feel entirely unprepared. Coming off of last semester, I anticipate the semester to strike my life as a storm as brutal as the last, and my defenses are not in place.

I am reminded of a moment I just read of in The Return of the King. Gandalf and Pippin ride into Minas Tirith after a restless gallop all the way from Rohan to the North. This haste is brought about when Gandalf realizes that the enemy (Sauron and his armies in Mordor) are further in their plans then Gandalf had thought them. When Gandalf enters The City of Gondor, he passes a force of men working on building up a battlement of the outer wall. He says to them that the storm is already upon them and it would be better for them to begin sharpening their blades.

Later in that same chapter, Pippin goes to the gates of Minas Tirith with a newly acquainted friend to watch the arrival of armies that are coming to help. The armies ride in with glorious cheering from the people of Minas Tirith, but after they pass there is a murmur through the crowd, "too few have come". As I read there is a troubling sense that the battle that is being brought to Minas Tirith, the storm that is about to be unleashed upon the stronghold is more terrible then could possibly be prepared for.

I feel that I cannot prepare much further then I have, that I am expending all of my resources, yet the storm is coming upon me more violent then I could have predicted. I feel as ready as I could, yet not prepared enough; that I am standing on a diving board, facing backwards and all that is left is to jump.

So I look upon this storm, and I say "do your worst" for I would have nothing else. I jump and I run head first into the pouring thunder.

It's a good thing I have some great friends who will pick me up when I fall, and who will push me forward when I am discouraged. I suppose that the best thing to remember is that the storm never falls upon just one person.

Logic is Flawed

My niece is quite ignorant of the world. She does not understand concepts that are so elementary and necessary for the continuation of humanity. She is selfish, and does not understand anything outside of herself. She does not understand how her decisions and action effect the people around her. I often am frustrated with her because of this. My Niece is four. Of course she does not understand any of this. It cannot be expected for someone of that age to have an understand of any of these things, and my frustration is purely that of selfishness myself. But she brings an interesting thought to the table.

Children of a young age cannot comprehend these simple concepts, and so there are authorities in the children's lives that govern them and tell them what is good to do and what is not good to do. And children learn that they must trust these authorities, and obey or be disciplined. One of my sisters has a very good discipline system. She asks her son if he is going to choose to obey or choose to have a time out. He does not know why he must obey all of the time, but he knows his choices, and the consequence of each because his mother has told him.

Jesus says of children that the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as them.

Logic is a flawed system. Perhaps it is one of the best systems that we have available to ourselves, but it will often lead us astray. Would you let my four year old niece act as judge in a murder trial? Would you let her write laws for a state? Would you let her choose your outfit for a day? But how much do we, or rather "they" (for I must discount myself as one who has understanding) truly understand about the world?

If you believe that anything in this world is flawed, then you ought to be able to acknowledge with me that everything, if looked at from the right vantage point is flawed. Only if you believe that everything in this world is exactly as it ought to be, that we are like the animals and there is no higher calling for us, only then do I believe that you can disagree with my statement.

I believe that this constant flaw is because of the human's desire to understand everything combined with the human condition of only being able to see some things. It is the job of a jury to convict, and a noble one at that. But it is the worst job I could imagine and I hope never to be put in that position. The problem is that there may be information that is not presented or understood, and a decision must be made in the example of a court. Perhaps 99% of cases yield a verdict that is true based on the happenings, but it is still flawed if there is 1% that is mistaken. But in that situation a decision must be made, and it is often logic that comes to the fore in order to make that decision.

What about science? Science in a way is a venture to understand the world around us. We have found that if we perform these experiments, and record results under different circumstances, we can often conclude a concept and it will be understood and believed by most. This is what I understand to be scientific fact. And while this seems to hold up in many situations, what are we supposed to do with ideas such as the speed of light? The speed of light is a mystery that I do not suppose we will ever understand, and though many theories will be formed, perhaps none of them will really be accurate.

What about evolution? Based on the laws of science, it is logical to conclude that the world was created by evolution. That seems to be man's best guess.

What about the world ending in 2012?

What if all the signs of logic, all the scientific discoveries, everything points towards a conclusion? Does that make that conclusion accurate? Does that make it true?

The Bible tells stories of a God that cannot be understood creating in a way that cannot be understood to form this universe that we now know to be a place that cannot be understood.The Bible tells stories of a loving God who told a man to kill his son. The Bible tells stories of the God of compassion who destroyed entire cities and killed all of the people within. Christianity has seen people declaring a prince of peace, then killing in the same name.

Do those stories follow logically to support the case of the divine?

Perhaps logic is flawed. Perhaps understanding and knowledge are folly. Perhaps wisdom is incomprehensible.

A Little Bit on Wisdom

I have been reading Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings, and I just love them. I love the story, and the friendships. I love the journey, and the characters. But most of all I have been blown away by the history. Tolkien created a world with a history richer than our own. There is a complete history surrounding every race of people, and whether simple or profound, these histories draw me in and make me keep reading.

The histories of most of these peoples is passed down through song, or poetry, and not actually written down. A true account is hard to find, so most history, given enough generations turns into legend. Then there becomes this blur between what is true and what is myth; there become hostilities between different peoples over grudges held based on legends and myths; there are certain areas (mines or forests) that people fear to enter because of these legends. However, there are a few creates that still exist in this world that Tolkien created who sing these songs, and recite this poetry, who actually were around when it happened.

Whether these creates are wizards, ents, or elves, they have a completely different perspective on the present happenings, when put in light with the lives that they have lived. Men see an evil rise, and want to attack it and smother it instantly. But the elves sit for a time and talk, and the ents may not even think twice about it. The wizards are a very different breed all together, and remain somewhat of a question mark to me.

I think that there is profound wisdom in Tolkien's creation of these different peoples. I think that he either already possessed this wisdom, or perhaps he gained it while writing these books, but either way he had it at some point. If you look at the world, and at different groups of people, you begin to grasp the wisdom of Tolkien, but you cannot fully understand it until you consider the idea of peoples like the elves or ents, who are immortal.

See, young people are hasty. Their immediate needs seem to be the only thing that matters, and the only thing that ever has or will matter. This could be good in certain moments, but more often then not, I think this is foolish. Young people get wrapped up in their immediate needs (which is a good way of saying desires), and fail to see long term consequences. Only after they have dug a hole do they realize they are standing in it. Of course, there is a rare moment when you dig a hole, realize you are standing in it, then realize that there is gold in that hole.

Then there are the old and the wise. Older people tend to scorn those who are hasty, and spend plenty of time making up their mind. This often leads to prosperity, and usually is wise. However, the wise may seem to be foolish or stuck in their ways. They often do not act, and just sit around and talk. And to those hasty young people, they are infuriating in their inaction. Of course, the wise are often infuriated by the young in their foolishness.

I often looked at the old and wise, and frowned at their inaction, but when I read of the ents and the elves, I understood a little bit. The ents and elves, these immortal creatures often stay free of the happenings of men. I did not understand this when I watched the movies. It seemed to me that the power of these peoples could easily have matched the power of Sauron (the evil Lord), but the ents and elves both kept their distance; the elves providing counsel while the ents would have done nothing if not for the help of some hobbits.

The point of this blog is this: the happenings of the world have been happening since time began. There is likely nothing different about this trial than the last. The hasty young people would have you believe that this moment is the most important. That this is different and that something must be done. But the wise would reflect and see that this is, in fact most similar to what has always been going on.

Perhaps if we all spent more time conversing with trees.

Children of Night

We are children of the night.
We live for the night, and abhor the day.
We live for death and abhor life.
We celebrate the sun setting and cringe at its rise.
We gladly fall asleep into death, yet we furrow our brow at the rebirth of morning.
We work to live, and hate both; or we live to work, and never stop.
We sing a sad song happily, and sadly sing a happy song.
We hate from our heart, and love from our head.
We are born alone, and die alone.

But occasionally we stumble into light.
But the bright, burning bliss blisters our brow.
But past the plethora of pain produces pictures purely perceived as perfection.

And this emergence is life.

But wait for me.

I still love the night.

Beliefs vs. Material Reality

Today I am struck by the complexity of my own ignorance.

I believe a few things about this world. As do you (even if you do not think that you do... you do). One of the things I believe, or at least that I thought I believed was that all is meaningless. Everything that we do is meaningless. It is like a cog in a watch, the cog decides that it will spin in circles, and spin and spin... then one day, it decides to break. The cog deciding to break is nothing that the cog ultimately constructed or did on its own... it simply fits into the timeline. At this hour on this day for this reason, the cog broke. It gets recorded into a history book, and that is all. Of course, it always was in a history book because it was always the thing that was going to happen to that cog at that moment.

That is all. All is meaningless.

However, I am an idiot.

See, I would acknowledge that belief, however I do not.

Let me put it this way. If you asked me what I believed, the above is what I would tell you. However, if you observed how I acted, then you could prove that I do not believe the above. This is the difference between our set of beliefs and our material reality.

Here's an example, which caught my eye enough to cause me to write this blog.

I was watching a Youtube video, and like many videos, the guy is giving something away. All you have to do is "like" the video and comment. So I, along with the millions of others (proving that I indeed will not win this Xbox) clicked the "like" button and commented. (aaahahahaha, I am really quite stupid) Here is what I commented:

"It's all meaningless anyway isn't it? So... this, holding suit with everything else in existence, doesn't matter. Neither would me winning that Xbox"

I would say... yeah. True. Well said. But, I commented. I tried to win that Xbox, which proves that it was not a meaningless endeavor to me. In that action, stating one of my beliefs I proved that I did not believe it.

But this puts me into the middle of my own paradox, because I have realized that what I believe I do not believe. Now what? Do I change what I believe? Do I desperately attempt to change how I behave? Or do I add the clause that I am a hypocrite to my "beliefs"?

What is That of Which You Speak?

Girl: How big is the universe?
Man: Infinite
Girl: How do you know?
Man: I know because all the data indicates that it's infinite
Girl: But it hasn't been proven yet.
Man: No
Girl: You haven't seen it.
Man: No
Girl: How do you know for sure?
Man: I don't, I just believe it.
Girl: mmm... It's the same with love I guess.

-A Beautiful Mind

I recently had the thought that love is not a choice, but rather it is something that either we find, or finds us through our lives. Many people said this is wrong; that we can indeed choose to love. I agree that we can choose to love, but to find love... I wonder what can be done about that.

We all have places that we search for love: religion, family, friends, sex, etc... The only truth that I can imagine is that love comes about when one is not alone. Perhaps loneliness is the absence of love. Perhaps the absence of love is an existential atheism. Though we all have remarked how much we love inanimate objects, I deem that love is not something that can be chosen, or found, or even stumbled upon with inanimate objects.

I wonder, whether it is a choice or an accident, when we know we have found love. Perhaps we may only know this when we find the end of the universe, but I enjoy entertaining this analogy. As I understand it, the universe is infinitely large and infinitely small. This would be in line with the quote above, but how many times are we mistaken about this? One man may fly to the moon, and certainly that is the end of the universe; where another man may fly the the furthest reaches of light, and deem that the end of the universe; and still another may - through means which seem utterly impossible to us based on the little we know of the possibilities of technology - fly past the reaches of light. I wonder which man has found the end of the universe.

So then, if this analogy truly follows, I wonder also which man has found love. Perhaps the man with a thousand concubines; or is it the man with a wife of 60 years; or maybe it is the young man who is madly in love with the girl of his dreams, and he is slipping the ring on her finger; but even still could it be the little girl who is absolutely certain that she is going to marry the boy across the street; or could it possibly be the man who, 20 years later, looks upon the picture of his beloved, praying for her return. This same question could be asked in reference to those who search for love through religion, friends or sex.

I suppose that the answer is such as the one in the quote. One may never answer this question, but is forced to act on belief.

The terrible reality of this world is such as this: if one believes in the wrong answer, the answer is still wrong.

Anxious.

Summers are unhealthy for me. Very unhealthy for me.

Not one week ago I was preparing for my finals, and every moment of every day was dedicated to everything that I knew I had to do. I was organized, and I knew every day what had to be done, and NOTHING eluded me. However, today I sit on the couch after a somewhat productive day. I got a job interview, got my oil changed and did a few hours of score study. Back in high school this would have been a very productive day, and I would be completely fine and been able to go to bed fine.

However, I am anxious. I have this very strong feeling that I am missing something, that I have forgotten something, or that there is something that I am supposed to be doing. I did not sleep well last summer, and I will not sleep well this summer. I need to relax, but I have no idea how.

I have no thoughts beyond expressing this constant feeling of anxiety in my body and my mind. I cannot rest because I am doing nothing. I feel that the treadmill is moving under my feet, but I am not running, and every time I look down the treadmill is still.

The Most Bizarre Day of My Life... Ends the Most Insane Semester of My Life.

My last blog post reflected my situation, my struggle to continue on with the most work and the most pressure I have had on my academia in my entire life. If I go through another semester as rigorous as the last, you will certainly hear from me again.

Anyway, today is a reflection of the day I now exist in, and the one I am coming from.

Yesterday, Tuesday, I woke up at 7:30 AM, in order to begin studying for exams. 2 exams later, I found myself cleaning my room for check-out at 2:15 with the help of two friends. Checkout was at 4:45. So we cleaned and cleaned, and we were running behind. Thankfully, the RA was also running behind, and I barely made it to my checkout time. After checkout I got dinner in the dinning hall for the last time as a resident of Calvin College, after which I spent the next hour and a half napping, checking in for my flight and packing my car.

I then took some "personal time" ;)

This brings me to my 9:00 PM - 1:00 AM shift. I expected to be slow, and to be able to work on the last final that was due the following day (Wednesday) at 9:00 AM. Of course, I could not wait until 9:00 AM, because my flight for Florida left at 6:00 AM. As the close got closer, I began to panic, realizing that I had not worked at all on my final and after my shift ended I would only have 3 1/2 hours to work. In panic, I asked Annette, my hero of the day, to finish my shift so I could begin working on the final. Like an angel descending from Heaven, she released me from my duties around 11:45 PM. I finished the final at 4:00 Wednesday morning.

At this point, I had to make sure I had everything from my dorm, and I had to print my boarding passes. 4:25 AM I arrived at my home, I had to pack and leave at 4:45 AM for the airport. The morning was running perfectly on time. I arrived at the airport, and everything went smoothly (except when they threw away my face wash and toothpaste... there goes $10). I got through customs and walked straight onto my plane without a wait.

The plane took off, and flew me into the sunrise above the clouds. Then on the way back down through the clouds, I was struck by the incredible beauty of the sun on the clouds, and the distant ground beneath it. I was inspired. So naturally, I took out my summer choir repertoire, and began looking at Philip Stopford's setting of For the Beauty of the Earth. That piece finally made sense to me, and there was nothing left to do but to cry.

I am now sitting in Cleveland Airport, Wednesday morning 7:29 (due to the time change), after a full 25 hours of nonstop madness, I sit composed, and full of life.

What a fitting way to end the most insane semester of my life. Enjoying today, and looking forward to tomorrow.

Join me, would ya?

-Ben

Metaphor Time

So I run for this elite running team. I pay them, and they teach me. (metaphor obvious?)

I knew that this season was a big one. I had found a new love for the sport, and they had lined up some serious races for me. I ran a few mid distance races, and did better then I had ever done before, but the big race was the marathon. All of my training from my entire life was for this race, and I wanted it bad. I toed the line, and was off at the gun. I ran a brilliant race, pacing myself to stay with the leaders, and giving everything I had to cross that finish line the best I could.

After coming across the finish line, I collapsed in victory, I had done it. I fell over, completely spent. Then my trainers came up to me and said "great job on that one, but you have to do this one now." I could hardly believe it, and it took some time to regain my feet. But once I was back on my feet, I took off with the same vigor that I had the marathon. Again, I finished in victory, with my head high; and again I collapsed at the end of it. I wonder if you could guess what happened next.

I ran yet another race. This one caused me to stumble a few times, but I regained my feet and I pushed through. The victory was bitter this time, due to the lack of rest I had stumbled a few times. At the end of that race I collapsed: I had finished the race, but not in victory. How could I with such exhaustion? From the end of the first race I had spent myself entirely, and since then I had put in two more races with no rest.

I am now on what I have been told is the final race: another marathon. The only difference this time is that I do not know if my feet will carry me. I feel that my legs may give out before this one is done. This marathon is walked at an excruciatingly slow pace, making the race seem an eternity; and though I know the course, I am not convinced it will ever end.

Not Because We Can... But Because There is Nothing Else to do.

Do you ever feel so undeserving of something, that every time you experience it you weep? Something so great, so powerful, and you stand before it naked? Ashamed? Scared?

You can see all of your flaws laid out before you, each and every one, "significant" or not, and so can it. There is no hiding, there is no running. At times you wish that it would flee! You wish in your insanity that you could be rid of the burden of greatness before you, and move back to the lies that you existed in previously in comfort.

And then, when you are ever more in a state of undeserving, that thing, that entity... thanks you.

That entity enters into your current situation, and claims it as both of your current situations. That entity says that you are in this together. That entity smiles.

You realize that you are all that you are, good and bad, and there is nothing else you can be at that moment.

All that is left is to be perfect and blameless.

Let us do it.

Courage or Ignorance.

When fear grips us, it is always better to try, even if we may fail, then to cowardly turn away.

(of course, this is referring to all of those black and white moments in life... haha).

I believe that to be true. I believe that we are the first line of defense against our dreams coming true. I believe that it is silly and foolish to sit in mediocrity and comfort when outside of our comfort zone, and within our fear lies the true key to accomplishment and achievement.

So yes. When fear grips us, it is always better to try, even if we may fail, then to cowardly turn away.

Imagine if someone were holding a gun to your beloved (in whatever form that takes for you), and you had the opportunity to stop the bullet with your arm. You know full well the damage that could be inflicted upon you by the bullet. It is better to run into your fears, in the way of the bullet to save your beloved. That is called courage.

But imagine that you had no understanding of a gun, imagine if you had no concept of the damage possible from a bullet tearing into your flesh. Then, walking in front of that bullet would not be courageous, nor would it be the better thing to do by any convincing manor. Walking in front of the bullet would be like a dog walking in front of a moving car, it would be ignorance and foolishness. That also would not be engaging fear, there would likely be no fear held if you had no understanding of the consequences.

So there are two sides to the coin... courage, which benefits and ignorance, which has no place in the world.

My ultimate question is this: which way do we engage love? Through courage or ignorance?

-Ben

1 hour breaks

Well. I said I would organize myself, and I did. This has allowed me 1 hour breaks for 4 days a week. :)

The best part about these breaks is that I know when I am going to do everything, I know that everything is going to get done, so I can just relax and be at peace for an hour each day (almost). This, I think is far better then a day when a person rests for 4 hours, but the entire time they are filled with anxiety. Of course, I can never get music out of my head, so I am still thinking about it in that sense... but that is pure enjoyment.

Oh, and did I mention 8 and a half hours of sleep (that is, if I am good and finish all of my work on time) 3 days a week?

Perhaps, someday I will write a song cycle... all of this a-tonal music is inspiring me... it is such a fragile art: with one slip of the composers mind, or performers hand, the piece can be ruined. Everything must be perfect, and then, for some unknown reason, this seemingly random assembly of notes (that in fact is not random at all, nor anymore mathematical then tonal music) reaches you deeply. For every master of Baroque there was a master of Classical... Romantic... A-tonal.

Just a thought :)

Buzz Buzz Buzz...

This semester I have been moving at a million miles per minute, and I like it. But now I am on spring break. Everything slowed down, and I feel like I cannot even function. Even now, trying to write this blog post, my mind just wants me to move onto something else. I cannot engage my own thoughts at the moment because my mind has moved past them. So this post, I suppose, is primarily an attempt to slow my mind down.

I am trying to write this 15 page research paper, and I am having the same problem. I feel like I cannot gain momentum. I feel like i am a bee that has been buzzing and buzzing and buzzing, but now someone has asked me to push a rock. With all the energy that a bee exerts in a day, there is no way that a bee could push a rock (I'm thinking about a baseball sized rock). So who is the stronger? The one who can push the rock or the one who can buzz around all day? Which takes more energy? Or is different, once again, simply different?

I'm not going to answer any of those questions... not even going to try.

So I'm this bee still. I have been buzzing and buzzing collecting pollen, or doing whatever it is that bees do these days. Then this kid named spring break comes along with big glasses and a jar, and captures me in the jar. At first I am going nuts. Buzzing and buzzing, flying into this wall, then this one. I know that I am trapped, but I need to be able to go, I have things I have to do. So I buzz into every possible surface of the inside of the jar. All the while the kid, spring break, is just laughing at me with his stupid big glasses.

As you can tell, I am frustrated about this.

But I am also realizing that maybe, just maybe this is a good thing. Being forced to SSLLOOWW DDOOWWNN (how long did it take you to read that?). Take longer to do things, take breaks, think, engage my mind, read... read? yes. read.

Or perhaps this is a taste of mediocrity. That poison I have been trying desperately to avoid by buzzing... or perhaps someone can buzz all they want, but the true mediocrity is accomplishing the world and losing yourself. Who is this buzzing bee? Just another bee? Or is this bee still Ben Ripley? Does this bee still have purpose and soul and life to live and love to give?

Can I move from buzzing bee with no time to do anything but buzz, constantly fearing the days to come when he knows there is more homework, another paper, another late night followed by another early morning... buzz buzz buzz. Can I move from that to more organized, pushing harder, and slowing down? Actually planning time in my day, every day, to slow down. To do things that do not actually have meaning?

But that is time I could be spending practicing...

Perhaps this would have done better as a journal entry then a blog post?

Oh well.

It's a blog post. And since it is, what are the readers takes on this? Is it worth it to slow down? Someone else somewhere else is aspiring for the same things that I am, but they are not slowing down. Will they win? Or will they lose themselves in the buzz? Is the buzz a good thing? Can we buzz and buzz and not lose ourselves in the process? Is a 20 minute lunch enough time to slow down for the day? Does it count if all I am thinking about is what I have to do that day?

And I retire to the warm grips of sleep, to begin work early on my research paper tomorrow.

Enjoy the peace or buzzing or whatever it is you chose today.

-Ben

The Ontological Response to Toilet Seat Position

In this post I will prove through a series of pros why the best position for the toilet seat is all the way up.

1. When the toilet seat is all the way down, the toilet bowl becomes entirely inaccessible without the touching of the toilet. (P)
2. When the toilet seat is touched, the hands that touch the seat ought to be washed. (P)
3. The uses of the toilet when one seat is down (seat down, but cover up), are all uses in which the user will have need of washing their hands (P)
4. When the toilet seat is entirely up, all the uses that require the toilet seat to be touched are uses in which the user has need of washing their hands. (P)
5. When the toilet seat is entirely up, the only use in which the toilet seat need not be touched is the use that does not necessitate the washing of the hands. (p)
6. The toilet seat being all the way down requires the washing of the hands (1, 2)
7. The toilet seat being one down requires the washing of the hands (2, 3)
8. The toilet seat being all the way up does not always require the washing of the hands (2, 5)
9. The washing of the hands requires the use of more water (P)
10. The washing of the hands takes up time (P)
11. Money and time are valuable (P)
12. Putting the seat all the way up saves money and time (8, 9, 10, 11)


I don't feel like doing more, because it has been forever since my limited exposure to philosophy, as you can see by the inefficient, and somewhat inconclusive pros. However, you can see my way of thinking that the best position for the toilet seat is up.

Loss for Words

I heard this incredible story today on the radio of a man who, days before his 40th birthday, decided he wanted to help someone. So he thought about how he could help people, what skills he possessed, and he thought that he would be good at locating something in this area he knew better then anyone in California. So he thought that an earth quake would happen, and he would help people, or a helicopter would be downed and he would help find it. As days passed, he realized there were no natural disasters coming and he would have to think more about how to help someone. So he logged onto the news and typed in "lost." The first thing to come up was a lost person report: a man and his wife murdered their landlords and kidnapped their daughter from their grandparents. They fled.

So the guy instantly knew what he was supposed to do, he was going to help find these people. After some communicating with the police, he realized that they had given up on the case and he was going to have to go for it himself. He took a vacation week from his work and got onto this new job he had taken on. He printed off some fliers and got to work. Long story short, he found them in 2 days and went to the local police who apprehended and arrested them. He spend some time with the family in jail, and as he spent more time with them he learned some things. The children were happy. They loved their parents. The parents did not seem like murderers or criminals of any type... they just seemed like parents. Then the children went back to their grandparents' (where they were kidnapped from), and upon seeing the grandparents' house the man remarked that it did not seem fit for children, and the grandparents were quite negative people.

At the offset of his mission, this man felt like a hero, like a knight riding in on a white horse: by the time he accomplished his goal he felt more like a nuisance, like he should not have been there, like he was breaking something.

There are so many nuances and details that I left out for the sake of length, but this seems to be reality. When we look into a situation without first living the situation we cannot in any measure understand the situation. At any glance of this story you would assume that this was perfect justice, but on some underlying level, something went terribly wrong. The conventional, easy rules of society can distance us from the reality of people. I cannot begin to wrap my mind around this concept entirely, but it seems to me that every time one man sees justice another sees cruelty.

And I'm not trying to condemn the conventional rules of society, though I know that they are flawed. I know that they protect us, and were at one point put into place for the betterment of society. But, again, even these rules that were put into place with the absolute best intentions ... someone will be cheated... someone will lose. And most of us will never hear about it.

There is this human factor in all of us. I was thinking about this the other day: what if you were in the wrong place at the wrong time, what if someone was murdered, and every bit of evidence pointed to you, and you had no alibi. There would be nothing that you could do to get around the fate incurred upon you.

Sorry about the scatter brain...

I Dare You to Take it.

I have been asking myself lately, when I see people like Bernstein, or research about people like Beethoven, how they got to where they did, how they accomplished where many failed. I look at Franz Schubert: died at the age of 31, wrote some 600 songs, 7 (or 8?) symphonies, 21 complete piano sonatas (as well as some short dances), five operas, six masses... and I'm sure that I'm missing something. How did he get to that point? Many people aspire to greatness, but settle in mediocrity: how is it that these great figures of our society and history got to where they did?

They took the first step.

Then, after they had taken the first step, they took the next one. One foot in front of the other. They fell down, and they got back up. Robert Schumann wrote Dichterliebe in 6 days, and he was denied by 4 (I think) publishers over the course of 4 years before he got it published. Schumann's Dichterliebe is now considered one of the greatest romantic song cycles, and it is studied by theorists, performers and historians. Schumann thought that the writing of songs was childish, and he stuck to mainly composing piano music. But in one year, after finally attempting to write songs, he wrote over 200 songs which are now considered great.

My greatest fear in life is to end in mediocrity. And I have slowly been reshaping and defining what mediocrity means to me, but my latest definition is this: mediocrity is when we stop dreaming, and we stop taking those steps towards our dreams. It doesn't matter if there is 1 mile ahead of you, or 700 miles: the only way to get there is to put one foot in front of the other.

What does the first step (or the next step) look like to you? Did you stop someplace along the way? Did you ever embark in the first place?

It is never too late or too early to take the next step.

Superman is Not Coming.

So a lot of people have a "hero." hmm...

I know there are people who have saved me from different things, and I could probably fill this blog with a list of their names. But this is something interesting: in a hero movie, the hero always lets us down and then triumphs and rescues. But in life... in life people let you down and don't even know about it. In life, people let you down and walk away. To live is to be in the perpetual state of being let down by everyone around you. (To be human is to think that you are the only person that this happens to)

We all have this dream of a hero: a person who always comes back to rescue you when they let you down. Some people look to their future spouse to do this, some to money, some to God... But the funny thing is, no matter what we look to, it does not change the present situation. EVERYBODY AROUND YOU LETS YOU DOWN. This person has anger issues, this one doesn't listen, this one is perfect except for their addiction, this one... this one... this one... You could look at every single person in your life and make your list.

So what does that mean? Does it mean that we should give up on humanity, and be depressed?

no.

I am actually grinning right now. Such tragic concepts and words, but such a raw, earthy, human truth. We will all let each other down. So we smile, we laugh, we talk and we love.

That's it, isn't it? We don't wait for that one special person to be our hero, because they don't exist. We don't wait for God to come change it, because that is not now. We roll with the punches. Rocks decay, food rots, animals fight and bite, gravity pulls, people let people down. Just smile, love the people around you for the ways that they cannot fulfill you, and be.

Ponderings from the Bitter End

So I sit, at the bitter end. I have had so many thoughts that I have wanted to share in the last couple weeks, but words have not been my friend to articulate them. I have thoughts on nearly everything pertaining to my life, but they are fragmented and there does not seem to be a link of coherence to all of them. But here goes a bunny trail, follow if you like :)

I think that the best way to learn something interesting about someone is to ask them about where they grew up. This is always a loaded question that can be responded to for hours. Where can turn into how, and with who, and then there are the whys behind all of that. A question of "where have you come from" can be discussed for hours, days or even a lifetime. It can be interpreted in multitudes of different ways. It can bring pride and it can bring tears.

But I think that the question of "where have you come from" is also one that you should ask yourself, and dialogue about with yourself. Consider this, could someone else answer that question better then you could? I think that this is a valuable thing to dedicate much of your own meditation to. To look back and see where you came from, to see where you have been. I think that you can appreciate your life a lot by looking back, and that you can know better who you are and where you are going.

So I extend this question to you, and if you want to comment back your answer I would love to read it, but if not I challenge you to spend time meditating on this question, "Where have you come from?"

So briefly, while I still have time, I will take the first step in looking at where I have come from:

I was born where I am, as the youngest of four. As a youngest child I am somewhat (we will be generous with the "somewhat") obnoxious and attention starved from time to time. There is a lot of my life that I cannot recall. I cannot recall how I felt when _______ happened, and the only reason I really know it happened is because of scrap books or conversations with my family. My parents divorced when I was young, and I think that I grew up fast in a lot of ways. My primary regrets are things that I have not tried, as opposed to things that I tried and failed. I was home schooled until 3rd grade when I transfered to a charter academy. Then I went to public school from 6th-12th. I fell in love once, and had a few flings along the way. Once I found music I fell in love again. I never imagined I would pursue it, because I was never that talented. But when I was presented the option of leaving music I could not do it. So with music I stayed and with music I go.

I hope that you can re-discover something about yourself that makes you feel young again, or makes it seem like life isn't so bad (because I promise you, it isn't).

Take Time to Sit

Today I went out to Grand Haven with Abby, Maria, Dan, Joel and Iain. It was a ton of fun, the frozen waves were beautiful and were complimented perfectly by the slowly reddening sky. The air was warm, or at least warmer then I have felt yet this winter, and the company was delight, but something was missing.

The whole time I was there, I was running around from one thing to the next: I would see a frozen mount and want to conquer it, or perhaps a wall caked with ice that I just had to climb. I ran around and ran around. I saw everything there was to see, but in a sense I did not see any of it. The whole time I was so excited that I never took the time to slow down, to just breathe and take it all in. This is such a valuable discipline.

Think back to the moments that you remember. Were they followed by something else immediately? Or did you take the time to breathe and revel in the moment. I think that if we do not take a deep breath after something, that in a way we lose that moment.

Today was fun, cheerful and beautiful, but it just went by and that was it. Next time I want to take a moment to sit, to watch, to catch my breath. I just want to slow down before life has gone.

Slow down with me, while we are still young, and enjoy this beautiful world.

We All Close Our Eyes.

Do we close our eyes when something unpleasant happens in front of us?

If someone were being brutally stabbed in front of you, would you close your eyes? If somebody were being abused by their significant other, would you close your eyes? If a family were being broken apart, would you close you eyes? If a boy in the eighth grade were forced to be the man in his family, would you close your eyes?

This happens around us every day, and we all close our eyes.

Some girl who annoys you comes to you and complains to you about her life... we all close our eyes.

Your good friend is acting funny: nervous, on edge, but you just have too much going on in your day... we all close our eyes.

The whole world around us is falling apart. We all have our eyes closed.

We hear about a sex trade in Africa, and we wince... but we do not dare talk about the sex trade in America.

I could ramble on and on about the atrocities that man does to itself, but a guilt trip is not the point of this blog. This blog goes beyond the guilt trip, this blog is a challenge. Peel the scales from your eyes and see the world, and when the worst of it comes do not let your eyes close. Stare back into the beast and say that you will not have it.

Show compassion to the girl. Let her feel the power of human compassion in the midst of human brutality.

Let your friend know that you care. Give him an outlet other then drugs, alcohol or sex.

Stand up in the world and show the Devil himself that you will not stand there with closed eyes while humanity fails.

Do not shy away from the issues that are immediately present. Do not get caught up with the issues that are far away, and distracted from the ones at home.

Be love today,

It is not easy.

Back in Color

Hello dear anonymous:

Now that I have rediscovered color, I invite you to follow me. I realized that the neutral colors that I am so entranced by can only offer so much. They have crisp lines and distinct features, in their neutrality they stick out. But when you exist in neutrals, you stick out, you do not fit in. Many of us try to be "individuals" we try to be "original" or "different," but the fact is that we long so desperately to fit in. The problem is that when we fit in, we do not get noticed. So the battle is between acceptance and acknowledgement. Would you rather be the completely average person who seems invisible, or the radical, original, neutral person who everyone sees in the crowd?

I don't know what my answer is, and in a perfect world the question would not exist. But all I can do from here on out is to love. Whether someone sticks out, or blends in, to notice them and greet them with a good, positive attention.

The bottom line comes back once again to love. So I encourage all, and myself to love.

I Like Where I am

Today I woke up at 7:30, getting out of bed after two snooze buttons at 7:45. I left the dorm at 8:00 to get some breakfast and start the day slow. My first class, at 8:35 was Teaching General Music, where we sang a song, played instruments and made motions to go along with it. Of course, every college class has lecture time, but I genuinely enjoy my professors. During break I got my first free cup of coffee of the day (perk of my new job at the coffee house on campus), then enjoyed my first Theory class of the semester. After Theory I got lunch, and practiced my various instruments until Capella rehearsal at 3:30. From there I ate dinner, and did some reading then went to work at 7:00. I worked until close, and got back to my dorm at about 10:45. That is nearly fifteen hours out of the dorm, but I loved every minute.

After a day like that I see things with a bit more perspective, and I realized that I was disappointed to hear that classes were canceled tomorrow due to the blizzard. Walking back to my dorm I heard many students rejoicing for their day off, but I don't want a day off. The semester JUST started, and I like where I am.

So tomorrow I will not take a day off, I will get up and have breakfast then go about my day. The weekends are enough to have off.

P.S. Feel free to quote this to me when I post about how busy I am come exams and juries :)