Summers are unhealthy for me. Very unhealthy for me.
Not one week ago I was preparing for my finals, and every moment of every day was dedicated to everything that I knew I had to do. I was organized, and I knew every day what had to be done, and NOTHING eluded me. However, today I sit on the couch after a somewhat productive day. I got a job interview, got my oil changed and did a few hours of score study. Back in high school this would have been a very productive day, and I would be completely fine and been able to go to bed fine.
However, I am anxious. I have this very strong feeling that I am missing something, that I have forgotten something, or that there is something that I am supposed to be doing. I did not sleep well last summer, and I will not sleep well this summer. I need to relax, but I have no idea how.
I have no thoughts beyond expressing this constant feeling of anxiety in my body and my mind. I cannot rest because I am doing nothing. I feel that the treadmill is moving under my feet, but I am not running, and every time I look down the treadmill is still.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The Most Bizarre Day of My Life... Ends the Most Insane Semester of My Life.
My last blog post reflected my situation, my struggle to continue on with the most work and the most pressure I have had on my academia in my entire life. If I go through another semester as rigorous as the last, you will certainly hear from me again.
Anyway, today is a reflection of the day I now exist in, and the one I am coming from.
Yesterday, Tuesday, I woke up at 7:30 AM, in order to begin studying for exams. 2 exams later, I found myself cleaning my room for check-out at 2:15 with the help of two friends. Checkout was at 4:45. So we cleaned and cleaned, and we were running behind. Thankfully, the RA was also running behind, and I barely made it to my checkout time. After checkout I got dinner in the dinning hall for the last time as a resident of Calvin College, after which I spent the next hour and a half napping, checking in for my flight and packing my car.
I then took some "personal time" ;)
This brings me to my 9:00 PM - 1:00 AM shift. I expected to be slow, and to be able to work on the last final that was due the following day (Wednesday) at 9:00 AM. Of course, I could not wait until 9:00 AM, because my flight for Florida left at 6:00 AM. As the close got closer, I began to panic, realizing that I had not worked at all on my final and after my shift ended I would only have 3 1/2 hours to work. In panic, I asked Annette, my hero of the day, to finish my shift so I could begin working on the final. Like an angel descending from Heaven, she released me from my duties around 11:45 PM. I finished the final at 4:00 Wednesday morning.
At this point, I had to make sure I had everything from my dorm, and I had to print my boarding passes. 4:25 AM I arrived at my home, I had to pack and leave at 4:45 AM for the airport. The morning was running perfectly on time. I arrived at the airport, and everything went smoothly (except when they threw away my face wash and toothpaste... there goes $10). I got through customs and walked straight onto my plane without a wait.
The plane took off, and flew me into the sunrise above the clouds. Then on the way back down through the clouds, I was struck by the incredible beauty of the sun on the clouds, and the distant ground beneath it. I was inspired. So naturally, I took out my summer choir repertoire, and began looking at Philip Stopford's setting of For the Beauty of the Earth. That piece finally made sense to me, and there was nothing left to do but to cry.
I am now sitting in Cleveland Airport, Wednesday morning 7:29 (due to the time change), after a full 25 hours of nonstop madness, I sit composed, and full of life.
What a fitting way to end the most insane semester of my life. Enjoying today, and looking forward to tomorrow.
Join me, would ya?
-Ben
Anyway, today is a reflection of the day I now exist in, and the one I am coming from.
Yesterday, Tuesday, I woke up at 7:30 AM, in order to begin studying for exams. 2 exams later, I found myself cleaning my room for check-out at 2:15 with the help of two friends. Checkout was at 4:45. So we cleaned and cleaned, and we were running behind. Thankfully, the RA was also running behind, and I barely made it to my checkout time. After checkout I got dinner in the dinning hall for the last time as a resident of Calvin College, after which I spent the next hour and a half napping, checking in for my flight and packing my car.
I then took some "personal time" ;)
This brings me to my 9:00 PM - 1:00 AM shift. I expected to be slow, and to be able to work on the last final that was due the following day (Wednesday) at 9:00 AM. Of course, I could not wait until 9:00 AM, because my flight for Florida left at 6:00 AM. As the close got closer, I began to panic, realizing that I had not worked at all on my final and after my shift ended I would only have 3 1/2 hours to work. In panic, I asked Annette, my hero of the day, to finish my shift so I could begin working on the final. Like an angel descending from Heaven, she released me from my duties around 11:45 PM. I finished the final at 4:00 Wednesday morning.
At this point, I had to make sure I had everything from my dorm, and I had to print my boarding passes. 4:25 AM I arrived at my home, I had to pack and leave at 4:45 AM for the airport. The morning was running perfectly on time. I arrived at the airport, and everything went smoothly (except when they threw away my face wash and toothpaste... there goes $10). I got through customs and walked straight onto my plane without a wait.
The plane took off, and flew me into the sunrise above the clouds. Then on the way back down through the clouds, I was struck by the incredible beauty of the sun on the clouds, and the distant ground beneath it. I was inspired. So naturally, I took out my summer choir repertoire, and began looking at Philip Stopford's setting of For the Beauty of the Earth. That piece finally made sense to me, and there was nothing left to do but to cry.
I am now sitting in Cleveland Airport, Wednesday morning 7:29 (due to the time change), after a full 25 hours of nonstop madness, I sit composed, and full of life.
What a fitting way to end the most insane semester of my life. Enjoying today, and looking forward to tomorrow.
Join me, would ya?
-Ben
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Metaphor Time
So I run for this elite running team. I pay them, and they teach me. (metaphor obvious?)
I knew that this season was a big one. I had found a new love for the sport, and they had lined up some serious races for me. I ran a few mid distance races, and did better then I had ever done before, but the big race was the marathon. All of my training from my entire life was for this race, and I wanted it bad. I toed the line, and was off at the gun. I ran a brilliant race, pacing myself to stay with the leaders, and giving everything I had to cross that finish line the best I could.
After coming across the finish line, I collapsed in victory, I had done it. I fell over, completely spent. Then my trainers came up to me and said "great job on that one, but you have to do this one now." I could hardly believe it, and it took some time to regain my feet. But once I was back on my feet, I took off with the same vigor that I had the marathon. Again, I finished in victory, with my head high; and again I collapsed at the end of it. I wonder if you could guess what happened next.
I ran yet another race. This one caused me to stumble a few times, but I regained my feet and I pushed through. The victory was bitter this time, due to the lack of rest I had stumbled a few times. At the end of that race I collapsed: I had finished the race, but not in victory. How could I with such exhaustion? From the end of the first race I had spent myself entirely, and since then I had put in two more races with no rest.
I am now on what I have been told is the final race: another marathon. The only difference this time is that I do not know if my feet will carry me. I feel that my legs may give out before this one is done. This marathon is walked at an excruciatingly slow pace, making the race seem an eternity; and though I know the course, I am not convinced it will ever end.
I knew that this season was a big one. I had found a new love for the sport, and they had lined up some serious races for me. I ran a few mid distance races, and did better then I had ever done before, but the big race was the marathon. All of my training from my entire life was for this race, and I wanted it bad. I toed the line, and was off at the gun. I ran a brilliant race, pacing myself to stay with the leaders, and giving everything I had to cross that finish line the best I could.
After coming across the finish line, I collapsed in victory, I had done it. I fell over, completely spent. Then my trainers came up to me and said "great job on that one, but you have to do this one now." I could hardly believe it, and it took some time to regain my feet. But once I was back on my feet, I took off with the same vigor that I had the marathon. Again, I finished in victory, with my head high; and again I collapsed at the end of it. I wonder if you could guess what happened next.
I ran yet another race. This one caused me to stumble a few times, but I regained my feet and I pushed through. The victory was bitter this time, due to the lack of rest I had stumbled a few times. At the end of that race I collapsed: I had finished the race, but not in victory. How could I with such exhaustion? From the end of the first race I had spent myself entirely, and since then I had put in two more races with no rest.
I am now on what I have been told is the final race: another marathon. The only difference this time is that I do not know if my feet will carry me. I feel that my legs may give out before this one is done. This marathon is walked at an excruciatingly slow pace, making the race seem an eternity; and though I know the course, I am not convinced it will ever end.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Not Because We Can... But Because There is Nothing Else to do.
Do you ever feel so undeserving of something, that every time you experience it you weep? Something so great, so powerful, and you stand before it naked? Ashamed? Scared?
You can see all of your flaws laid out before you, each and every one, "significant" or not, and so can it. There is no hiding, there is no running. At times you wish that it would flee! You wish in your insanity that you could be rid of the burden of greatness before you, and move back to the lies that you existed in previously in comfort.
And then, when you are ever more in a state of undeserving, that thing, that entity... thanks you.
That entity enters into your current situation, and claims it as both of your current situations. That entity says that you are in this together. That entity smiles.
You realize that you are all that you are, good and bad, and there is nothing else you can be at that moment.
All that is left is to be perfect and blameless.
Let us do it.
You can see all of your flaws laid out before you, each and every one, "significant" or not, and so can it. There is no hiding, there is no running. At times you wish that it would flee! You wish in your insanity that you could be rid of the burden of greatness before you, and move back to the lies that you existed in previously in comfort.
And then, when you are ever more in a state of undeserving, that thing, that entity... thanks you.
That entity enters into your current situation, and claims it as both of your current situations. That entity says that you are in this together. That entity smiles.
You realize that you are all that you are, good and bad, and there is nothing else you can be at that moment.
All that is left is to be perfect and blameless.
Let us do it.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Courage or Ignorance.
When fear grips us, it is always better to try, even if we may fail, then to cowardly turn away.
(of course, this is referring to all of those black and white moments in life... haha).
I believe that to be true. I believe that we are the first line of defense against our dreams coming true. I believe that it is silly and foolish to sit in mediocrity and comfort when outside of our comfort zone, and within our fear lies the true key to accomplishment and achievement.
So yes. When fear grips us, it is always better to try, even if we may fail, then to cowardly turn away.
Imagine if someone were holding a gun to your beloved (in whatever form that takes for you), and you had the opportunity to stop the bullet with your arm. You know full well the damage that could be inflicted upon you by the bullet. It is better to run into your fears, in the way of the bullet to save your beloved. That is called courage.
But imagine that you had no understanding of a gun, imagine if you had no concept of the damage possible from a bullet tearing into your flesh. Then, walking in front of that bullet would not be courageous, nor would it be the better thing to do by any convincing manor. Walking in front of the bullet would be like a dog walking in front of a moving car, it would be ignorance and foolishness. That also would not be engaging fear, there would likely be no fear held if you had no understanding of the consequences.
So there are two sides to the coin... courage, which benefits and ignorance, which has no place in the world.
My ultimate question is this: which way do we engage love? Through courage or ignorance?
-Ben
(of course, this is referring to all of those black and white moments in life... haha).
I believe that to be true. I believe that we are the first line of defense against our dreams coming true. I believe that it is silly and foolish to sit in mediocrity and comfort when outside of our comfort zone, and within our fear lies the true key to accomplishment and achievement.
So yes. When fear grips us, it is always better to try, even if we may fail, then to cowardly turn away.
Imagine if someone were holding a gun to your beloved (in whatever form that takes for you), and you had the opportunity to stop the bullet with your arm. You know full well the damage that could be inflicted upon you by the bullet. It is better to run into your fears, in the way of the bullet to save your beloved. That is called courage.
But imagine that you had no understanding of a gun, imagine if you had no concept of the damage possible from a bullet tearing into your flesh. Then, walking in front of that bullet would not be courageous, nor would it be the better thing to do by any convincing manor. Walking in front of the bullet would be like a dog walking in front of a moving car, it would be ignorance and foolishness. That also would not be engaging fear, there would likely be no fear held if you had no understanding of the consequences.
So there are two sides to the coin... courage, which benefits and ignorance, which has no place in the world.
My ultimate question is this: which way do we engage love? Through courage or ignorance?
-Ben
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
1 hour breaks
Well. I said I would organize myself, and I did. This has allowed me 1 hour breaks for 4 days a week. :)
The best part about these breaks is that I know when I am going to do everything, I know that everything is going to get done, so I can just relax and be at peace for an hour each day (almost). This, I think is far better then a day when a person rests for 4 hours, but the entire time they are filled with anxiety. Of course, I can never get music out of my head, so I am still thinking about it in that sense... but that is pure enjoyment.
Oh, and did I mention 8 and a half hours of sleep (that is, if I am good and finish all of my work on time) 3 days a week?
Perhaps, someday I will write a song cycle... all of this a-tonal music is inspiring me... it is such a fragile art: with one slip of the composers mind, or performers hand, the piece can be ruined. Everything must be perfect, and then, for some unknown reason, this seemingly random assembly of notes (that in fact is not random at all, nor anymore mathematical then tonal music) reaches you deeply. For every master of Baroque there was a master of Classical... Romantic... A-tonal.
Just a thought :)
The best part about these breaks is that I know when I am going to do everything, I know that everything is going to get done, so I can just relax and be at peace for an hour each day (almost). This, I think is far better then a day when a person rests for 4 hours, but the entire time they are filled with anxiety. Of course, I can never get music out of my head, so I am still thinking about it in that sense... but that is pure enjoyment.
Oh, and did I mention 8 and a half hours of sleep (that is, if I am good and finish all of my work on time) 3 days a week?
Perhaps, someday I will write a song cycle... all of this a-tonal music is inspiring me... it is such a fragile art: with one slip of the composers mind, or performers hand, the piece can be ruined. Everything must be perfect, and then, for some unknown reason, this seemingly random assembly of notes (that in fact is not random at all, nor anymore mathematical then tonal music) reaches you deeply. For every master of Baroque there was a master of Classical... Romantic... A-tonal.
Just a thought :)
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Buzz Buzz Buzz...
This semester I have been moving at a million miles per minute, and I like it. But now I am on spring break. Everything slowed down, and I feel like I cannot even function. Even now, trying to write this blog post, my mind just wants me to move onto something else. I cannot engage my own thoughts at the moment because my mind has moved past them. So this post, I suppose, is primarily an attempt to slow my mind down.
I am trying to write this 15 page research paper, and I am having the same problem. I feel like I cannot gain momentum. I feel like i am a bee that has been buzzing and buzzing and buzzing, but now someone has asked me to push a rock. With all the energy that a bee exerts in a day, there is no way that a bee could push a rock (I'm thinking about a baseball sized rock). So who is the stronger? The one who can push the rock or the one who can buzz around all day? Which takes more energy? Or is different, once again, simply different?
I'm not going to answer any of those questions... not even going to try.
So I'm this bee still. I have been buzzing and buzzing collecting pollen, or doing whatever it is that bees do these days. Then this kid named spring break comes along with big glasses and a jar, and captures me in the jar. At first I am going nuts. Buzzing and buzzing, flying into this wall, then this one. I know that I am trapped, but I need to be able to go, I have things I have to do. So I buzz into every possible surface of the inside of the jar. All the while the kid, spring break, is just laughing at me with his stupid big glasses.
As you can tell, I am frustrated about this.
But I am also realizing that maybe, just maybe this is a good thing. Being forced to SSLLOOWW DDOOWWNN (how long did it take you to read that?). Take longer to do things, take breaks, think, engage my mind, read... read? yes. read.
Or perhaps this is a taste of mediocrity. That poison I have been trying desperately to avoid by buzzing... or perhaps someone can buzz all they want, but the true mediocrity is accomplishing the world and losing yourself. Who is this buzzing bee? Just another bee? Or is this bee still Ben Ripley? Does this bee still have purpose and soul and life to live and love to give?
Can I move from buzzing bee with no time to do anything but buzz, constantly fearing the days to come when he knows there is more homework, another paper, another late night followed by another early morning... buzz buzz buzz. Can I move from that to more organized, pushing harder, and slowing down? Actually planning time in my day, every day, to slow down. To do things that do not actually have meaning?
But that is time I could be spending practicing...
Perhaps this would have done better as a journal entry then a blog post?
Oh well.
It's a blog post. And since it is, what are the readers takes on this? Is it worth it to slow down? Someone else somewhere else is aspiring for the same things that I am, but they are not slowing down. Will they win? Or will they lose themselves in the buzz? Is the buzz a good thing? Can we buzz and buzz and not lose ourselves in the process? Is a 20 minute lunch enough time to slow down for the day? Does it count if all I am thinking about is what I have to do that day?
And I retire to the warm grips of sleep, to begin work early on my research paper tomorrow.
Enjoy the peace or buzzing or whatever it is you chose today.
-Ben
I am trying to write this 15 page research paper, and I am having the same problem. I feel like I cannot gain momentum. I feel like i am a bee that has been buzzing and buzzing and buzzing, but now someone has asked me to push a rock. With all the energy that a bee exerts in a day, there is no way that a bee could push a rock (I'm thinking about a baseball sized rock). So who is the stronger? The one who can push the rock or the one who can buzz around all day? Which takes more energy? Or is different, once again, simply different?
I'm not going to answer any of those questions... not even going to try.
So I'm this bee still. I have been buzzing and buzzing collecting pollen, or doing whatever it is that bees do these days. Then this kid named spring break comes along with big glasses and a jar, and captures me in the jar. At first I am going nuts. Buzzing and buzzing, flying into this wall, then this one. I know that I am trapped, but I need to be able to go, I have things I have to do. So I buzz into every possible surface of the inside of the jar. All the while the kid, spring break, is just laughing at me with his stupid big glasses.
As you can tell, I am frustrated about this.
But I am also realizing that maybe, just maybe this is a good thing. Being forced to SSLLOOWW DDOOWWNN (how long did it take you to read that?). Take longer to do things, take breaks, think, engage my mind, read... read? yes. read.
Or perhaps this is a taste of mediocrity. That poison I have been trying desperately to avoid by buzzing... or perhaps someone can buzz all they want, but the true mediocrity is accomplishing the world and losing yourself. Who is this buzzing bee? Just another bee? Or is this bee still Ben Ripley? Does this bee still have purpose and soul and life to live and love to give?
Can I move from buzzing bee with no time to do anything but buzz, constantly fearing the days to come when he knows there is more homework, another paper, another late night followed by another early morning... buzz buzz buzz. Can I move from that to more organized, pushing harder, and slowing down? Actually planning time in my day, every day, to slow down. To do things that do not actually have meaning?
But that is time I could be spending practicing...
Perhaps this would have done better as a journal entry then a blog post?
Oh well.
It's a blog post. And since it is, what are the readers takes on this? Is it worth it to slow down? Someone else somewhere else is aspiring for the same things that I am, but they are not slowing down. Will they win? Or will they lose themselves in the buzz? Is the buzz a good thing? Can we buzz and buzz and not lose ourselves in the process? Is a 20 minute lunch enough time to slow down for the day? Does it count if all I am thinking about is what I have to do that day?
And I retire to the warm grips of sleep, to begin work early on my research paper tomorrow.
Enjoy the peace or buzzing or whatever it is you chose today.
-Ben
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