Today I am Thankful

Today I am thankful for all of the people whose shoulders we now stand on. Some for the better, some for the worse, but all of them bring us to the world we now know. A world divided: a perfect juxtaposition between all things good and all things terrible.

A few years ago I was talking with a good friend of mine about my parents' divorce. We talked about the ways in which the divorce made me who I am, about all of the negative and the positive. Yes, even in this terrible event that happened in my life, there is positive. At the end of the conversation, he asked me if I could go back and live my life without the divorce if I would. I answered that I couldn't, because the divorce set my life into the path which it took, and without the divorce; without that path, I would not be me.

If we looked back and took the good, and not the bad we would not be us. The world is not what it should be. Evil should not be allowed to prevail, and it is tragic that it does. However, the world we live in is beautiful. People are evil, but people love. People are ugly, but people are beautiful. Our past is terrible, but our past is good.

Today I am thankful for EVERYTHING that has brought me to where I am. The falls and the triumphs. I encourage you to think harder this year on this day of thanks. Think deeper this year, and consider what you take for granted; or even deeper, think of the things that you have looked upon with a bad taste in your mouth, and ask yourself if you can find a way to be thankful for those moments.

Today I am thankful for YOU.

Love and blessings.

-Ben

A Storm Past, A Storm to Come.

I sat there in a stall in the men's room: the only place on the planet where nobody else would join me; the only place where the filth on the floor made me feel at home. Was that the best I could have done? Regardless, that was the best I did. What does that say about me? My head in my hands, no tears, just pure disappointment. Had I only started sooner. Had I only worked harder.

I had disappointed some of the most inspiring people I had ever met. Some of the people I cared most about at that moment. People invested in me and I let them down.

That was the worst moment of my life.

Every day I get a choice. Am I busy? of course. Am I tired? ...still. Am I depressed? sometimes.

Do I still get my choice? Absolutely.

Every day I get a choice, whether I am going to be the best I can possibly be on that day or not. That is the choice. Every morning, from the moment my alarm clock rings I toe the line of another day. This day brings a new challenge, but as I toe this line I am offered the same choice I was yesterday. Do I choose to be the best I possibly can, or do I choose to be the other?

It's that simple too. There is no middle ground. Not for me, at least. If I choose to be anything less than the best that I can be, I am choosing mediocrity, and that is the biggest let down I can give to myself and everyone around me.

The week before I sat in that stall I had plenty of times to make a better choice. The month before... the year before. I came up short because I chose to.

I never want to sit there again and see the filth on the floor as my equal.

Monday I choose.

Tuesday I choose.

Wednesday I choose,

Thursday I choose.

Friday I choose.

Saturday I choose.

Sunday I choose.

That storm is past. Bring on the next.

I am the 99%... and that's ok

I grew up poor, but surrounded by love. I have a supporting mother who helps me with my rent. I am a student at Calvin College. I drive a car from 1995, and I am blessed to have it. I make very little money. I love the people around me. I will graduate with tens of thousands of student loans into a field that pays poorly.

I am the 99%... and that's ok.

I am more fortunate than most... even much of the 1%. Does easy living and money really solve problems? I get to do what I love every day. If I have to work 2 jobs to do that, so be it.

I see what the 99% is saying, but they are acting purely from a point of a victim, and with a sense of entitlement. We are truly not entitled to anything in the physical world. We live within our means, and we do what we have to in order to support those around us. Then when we are in need those around us support us back.

The world is torn and twisted, and the evil that permeates it is daunting and should not be ignored.

Joy is an odd thing to pin down, but it is not a result of "happiness"

Standing On the Edge

This entire summer I have been anticipating the semester that begins on Tuesday. I have poured myself out time and time again in my thoughts about this semester. And now that I stand on the brink I feel entirely unprepared. Coming off of last semester, I anticipate the semester to strike my life as a storm as brutal as the last, and my defenses are not in place.

I am reminded of a moment I just read of in The Return of the King. Gandalf and Pippin ride into Minas Tirith after a restless gallop all the way from Rohan to the North. This haste is brought about when Gandalf realizes that the enemy (Sauron and his armies in Mordor) are further in their plans then Gandalf had thought them. When Gandalf enters The City of Gondor, he passes a force of men working on building up a battlement of the outer wall. He says to them that the storm is already upon them and it would be better for them to begin sharpening their blades.

Later in that same chapter, Pippin goes to the gates of Minas Tirith with a newly acquainted friend to watch the arrival of armies that are coming to help. The armies ride in with glorious cheering from the people of Minas Tirith, but after they pass there is a murmur through the crowd, "too few have come". As I read there is a troubling sense that the battle that is being brought to Minas Tirith, the storm that is about to be unleashed upon the stronghold is more terrible then could possibly be prepared for.

I feel that I cannot prepare much further then I have, that I am expending all of my resources, yet the storm is coming upon me more violent then I could have predicted. I feel as ready as I could, yet not prepared enough; that I am standing on a diving board, facing backwards and all that is left is to jump.

So I look upon this storm, and I say "do your worst" for I would have nothing else. I jump and I run head first into the pouring thunder.

It's a good thing I have some great friends who will pick me up when I fall, and who will push me forward when I am discouraged. I suppose that the best thing to remember is that the storm never falls upon just one person.

Logic is Flawed

My niece is quite ignorant of the world. She does not understand concepts that are so elementary and necessary for the continuation of humanity. She is selfish, and does not understand anything outside of herself. She does not understand how her decisions and action effect the people around her. I often am frustrated with her because of this. My Niece is four. Of course she does not understand any of this. It cannot be expected for someone of that age to have an understand of any of these things, and my frustration is purely that of selfishness myself. But she brings an interesting thought to the table.

Children of a young age cannot comprehend these simple concepts, and so there are authorities in the children's lives that govern them and tell them what is good to do and what is not good to do. And children learn that they must trust these authorities, and obey or be disciplined. One of my sisters has a very good discipline system. She asks her son if he is going to choose to obey or choose to have a time out. He does not know why he must obey all of the time, but he knows his choices, and the consequence of each because his mother has told him.

Jesus says of children that the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as them.

Logic is a flawed system. Perhaps it is one of the best systems that we have available to ourselves, but it will often lead us astray. Would you let my four year old niece act as judge in a murder trial? Would you let her write laws for a state? Would you let her choose your outfit for a day? But how much do we, or rather "they" (for I must discount myself as one who has understanding) truly understand about the world?

If you believe that anything in this world is flawed, then you ought to be able to acknowledge with me that everything, if looked at from the right vantage point is flawed. Only if you believe that everything in this world is exactly as it ought to be, that we are like the animals and there is no higher calling for us, only then do I believe that you can disagree with my statement.

I believe that this constant flaw is because of the human's desire to understand everything combined with the human condition of only being able to see some things. It is the job of a jury to convict, and a noble one at that. But it is the worst job I could imagine and I hope never to be put in that position. The problem is that there may be information that is not presented or understood, and a decision must be made in the example of a court. Perhaps 99% of cases yield a verdict that is true based on the happenings, but it is still flawed if there is 1% that is mistaken. But in that situation a decision must be made, and it is often logic that comes to the fore in order to make that decision.

What about science? Science in a way is a venture to understand the world around us. We have found that if we perform these experiments, and record results under different circumstances, we can often conclude a concept and it will be understood and believed by most. This is what I understand to be scientific fact. And while this seems to hold up in many situations, what are we supposed to do with ideas such as the speed of light? The speed of light is a mystery that I do not suppose we will ever understand, and though many theories will be formed, perhaps none of them will really be accurate.

What about evolution? Based on the laws of science, it is logical to conclude that the world was created by evolution. That seems to be man's best guess.

What about the world ending in 2012?

What if all the signs of logic, all the scientific discoveries, everything points towards a conclusion? Does that make that conclusion accurate? Does that make it true?

The Bible tells stories of a God that cannot be understood creating in a way that cannot be understood to form this universe that we now know to be a place that cannot be understood.The Bible tells stories of a loving God who told a man to kill his son. The Bible tells stories of the God of compassion who destroyed entire cities and killed all of the people within. Christianity has seen people declaring a prince of peace, then killing in the same name.

Do those stories follow logically to support the case of the divine?

Perhaps logic is flawed. Perhaps understanding and knowledge are folly. Perhaps wisdom is incomprehensible.

A Little Bit on Wisdom

I have been reading Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings, and I just love them. I love the story, and the friendships. I love the journey, and the characters. But most of all I have been blown away by the history. Tolkien created a world with a history richer than our own. There is a complete history surrounding every race of people, and whether simple or profound, these histories draw me in and make me keep reading.

The histories of most of these peoples is passed down through song, or poetry, and not actually written down. A true account is hard to find, so most history, given enough generations turns into legend. Then there becomes this blur between what is true and what is myth; there become hostilities between different peoples over grudges held based on legends and myths; there are certain areas (mines or forests) that people fear to enter because of these legends. However, there are a few creates that still exist in this world that Tolkien created who sing these songs, and recite this poetry, who actually were around when it happened.

Whether these creates are wizards, ents, or elves, they have a completely different perspective on the present happenings, when put in light with the lives that they have lived. Men see an evil rise, and want to attack it and smother it instantly. But the elves sit for a time and talk, and the ents may not even think twice about it. The wizards are a very different breed all together, and remain somewhat of a question mark to me.

I think that there is profound wisdom in Tolkien's creation of these different peoples. I think that he either already possessed this wisdom, or perhaps he gained it while writing these books, but either way he had it at some point. If you look at the world, and at different groups of people, you begin to grasp the wisdom of Tolkien, but you cannot fully understand it until you consider the idea of peoples like the elves or ents, who are immortal.

See, young people are hasty. Their immediate needs seem to be the only thing that matters, and the only thing that ever has or will matter. This could be good in certain moments, but more often then not, I think this is foolish. Young people get wrapped up in their immediate needs (which is a good way of saying desires), and fail to see long term consequences. Only after they have dug a hole do they realize they are standing in it. Of course, there is a rare moment when you dig a hole, realize you are standing in it, then realize that there is gold in that hole.

Then there are the old and the wise. Older people tend to scorn those who are hasty, and spend plenty of time making up their mind. This often leads to prosperity, and usually is wise. However, the wise may seem to be foolish or stuck in their ways. They often do not act, and just sit around and talk. And to those hasty young people, they are infuriating in their inaction. Of course, the wise are often infuriated by the young in their foolishness.

I often looked at the old and wise, and frowned at their inaction, but when I read of the ents and the elves, I understood a little bit. The ents and elves, these immortal creatures often stay free of the happenings of men. I did not understand this when I watched the movies. It seemed to me that the power of these peoples could easily have matched the power of Sauron (the evil Lord), but the ents and elves both kept their distance; the elves providing counsel while the ents would have done nothing if not for the help of some hobbits.

The point of this blog is this: the happenings of the world have been happening since time began. There is likely nothing different about this trial than the last. The hasty young people would have you believe that this moment is the most important. That this is different and that something must be done. But the wise would reflect and see that this is, in fact most similar to what has always been going on.

Perhaps if we all spent more time conversing with trees.

Children of Night

We are children of the night.
We live for the night, and abhor the day.
We live for death and abhor life.
We celebrate the sun setting and cringe at its rise.
We gladly fall asleep into death, yet we furrow our brow at the rebirth of morning.
We work to live, and hate both; or we live to work, and never stop.
We sing a sad song happily, and sadly sing a happy song.
We hate from our heart, and love from our head.
We are born alone, and die alone.

But occasionally we stumble into light.
But the bright, burning bliss blisters our brow.
But past the plethora of pain produces pictures purely perceived as perfection.

And this emergence is life.

But wait for me.

I still love the night.