Adventures of Stillness

At 5:02 am, I lie awake in bed waiting for my 7:00 alarm to set my day into motion. I'm sure I could sleep right now if I weren't lying in such excitement. Today I work my last day of work before moving out of my apartment and into an adventure. Just me and this girl I am lying next to. Escaping like the sun, seceding from the world we all have come to think of as home, and returning to the home that we have long forgotten.

Tomorrow is that day. For today I seek to be absolutely and entirely present in every moment I find myself in. To love more beautifully than I have before, just as the sun paints a picture as it rounds off the horizon. So too does the sun disappear and leave the earth in darkness. So too does the sun return with magnificent, golden light to warm the cool earth. Never diminishing its light, never discriminating where the light should fall, but ever steadily moving along its path through the sky.

From earth's perspective the sun comes and goes, and those who first observed this pattern understood the sun as a dynamic sphere in the sky. With more understanding of the cosmos we learned that the sun had actually been the one motionless, stoic in its seemingly eternal meditation. This stillness is my soul, and the perception of motion is the perspective of all those on the outside, looking into my life. If you too are still, you will recognize stillness, but the one in motion will always perceive motion from those who are still.

Be still my soul, and may I see clearly all that is still, may I choose to sit in stillness, in peace, and in harmony with all that is still, peaceful and harmonious.

Namaste

Transformation

Transformation can bring you from any point to any other point. Much like the changing of a terrain as one travels, I doubt that transformation is something that begins or ends with a distinctive line. One does not remark, I experienced transformation when I crossed this line; but rather, I experienced transformation as a progression over a series of experiences and an amount of time or space. This morning, I woke to find myself in a sort of self made hell, one that seemed to follow me from moment to moment: this moment I feel hell all around me; this moment I feel that I can only ever destroy, break, or hurt; this moment I realize my detachment from joy. Wherever I looked, I found myself to be in this hell.

I now sit feeling peaceful, but only in part. The transformation is in process, and I am only now becoming aware of it. In the same way that traveling the curvature of a spiral feels to the traveler the same as a circle, the transformation feels like stagnation. This moment I feel that perhaps this hell is cultivating healing within me, in this moment I feel that this hell is destroying all the good that I have managed to culminate within me. All the while, I have been aware that this transformation is occurring, however I have been distancing myself from that knowledge. Somewhere within myself I am entirely aware that I am perfect, that life is perfect; yet another part of myself seems to block that knowledge from me. It's as if I am remembering something that I have forgotten. I see glimpses of this knowledge, in bits and pieces, slowly coming together.

When taking a larger perspective, I now realize that this transformation has been happening since the beginning of my existence. In this technological era, we are often given the opportunity to name ourselves. One of the many names I have given myself, and the one that has stuck the most is walking_in_fog. Thinking of that now, I begin to wonder if this timelessly wise thirteen year old was even me. This name I thought of for myself is one that has more and more meaning every day that I live. The realizations are that I have been walking in fog, that the world is plain, but my eyes fail to see all that is. Today I take a moment to acknowledge that I still am walking in fog, that I am still in the state of not knowing, but I remove the veil of not knowing by realizing that there is a part of me that is knowing. A name that I have welcomed within myself, I now release. I do the same for the name A Thousand Thoughts From Here. I allow myself to be free of names and simply welcome that I am. The duality of "what" I am, or "who" I am is one thing that deserves transformation.

These questions: who, what, where, why, how, are part of what separates me from the part of myself that understands the answer to those questions. To ask the question "who," is to welcome pondering, and confusion; to release the question "who," is to welcome the understanding of the answer to the question. This understanding is something that has been glimpsed time and time again through the process of transformation. As long as I have lived, I have gone back and forth between asking and understanding. The moments of asking have been full of confusion, frustration, fear and anger, ultimately leading deeper into the hell that I woke up to this morning; where the moments of understanding have been full of peace, love, patience and acceptance, ultimately bringing me further along the path of transformation.

This understanding, this knowing allows me to build a world where I am surrounded by these fruits of peace, love, patience and acceptance. More and more, every day I release the questions, and welcome understanding. More and more every moment of today I release the questions, and welcome understanding. I wish now that I would hug more people.

namaste

Love

I have finally learned how to love. I'm not perfect at it yet, but I am on my way.

Moving out to Denver I had to learn how to rely almost entirely on myself. Having a great work environment challenged me to be at the top of my game constantly. At first I began developing an anxiety towards these things. Not trusting that I can be good enough, not trusting my judgement enough to follow it. One day when I was working with the owner of the shop he turned to me and said, "I don't know why you don't trust yourself. I trust you." That stuck with me, and I began developing a trust in myself. I learned that my judgements can be good, and when they aren't I can learn from them. Hell, making mistakes is a part of everything.

When I saw people at work trusting in me, I began trusting my judgement. I learned to know, rather than ask. I learned how to speak confidently about what needed to be done. I learned how to be right, and I learned how to deal with being wrong. That confidence grew in every aspect of my life. I began being proactive about what needed to be done around the house, and what needed to be done in my life. Once I began living my life like this, I saw myself being surrounded by people who appreciated me. After learning how to trust myself, I began learning how to trust these people around me.

But the job is just a situation, how does one learn how to love? I began learning how to love when I learned how to love myself. When my time alone was not boring or sad, but profound and refreshing. I learned how to trust others after learning to trust myself. Interaction begins with and ends with you, if you do not love yourself then you will not be able to love the people around you. Life is just too hard for that. Nobody is strong enough to endure the weight of their own self loathing. You are beautiful and extraordinary. Dive deep into yourself and learn who you are. Love yourself and trust yourself. Admit to yourself when you are wrong, and move on with the experience to guide your next encounter. Be the most amazing version of yourself that only you are.

Just love. The rest will follow.

A Challenge

If you do not believe there is wool over your eyes, I have a challenge for you. I challenge you to look where you would never have looked before; at ideas you would never have allowed to be uttered in your presence before. I challenge you to look at these ideas from a neutral perspective.

Hold parties responsible, and if they are not trustworthy, do not trust them.

Perhaps We Miss The Point.

Perhaps the secret to life isn't the wisdom of the elders or the inspiration of the young. Perhaps it brings us once again to balance. For would not the elder who is inspired by the young be the wise one who was still breathing life? And is it not the young who lives with the wisdom of the elder who will be living when the others fall? And not to say falling by the terms of life and death, but rather by the terms of life and defeat. Mediocrity must remain the foe to be run from. Within any belief system, it is mediocrity that will destroy the person.

We battle because we cannot see that we work toward the same goals. We battle because we are put off by this or that. We battle not because of legitimate need, drawn from interaction. We battle because of a petty affliction drawn from within. I hate my fellow man, not for what he has done, but for how I have chosen to react to him before I even came into contact with him; with the truth. Selfish desire, insecurity, mistrust: these are the reasons we battle. These are the reasons for our restless toil, and does it not all stem from living out of balance? Even a slave has the opportunity to react to what happens, when we forfeit that opportunity is when we become a slave to these ever personal attributes: selfish desire, insecurity, mistrust.

I saw a post 2 days ago that said this:

"R.I.P. The 2976 American people that lost their lives on 9/11 and R.I.P. the 48,644 Afghan and 1,609,903 Iraqi and 35000 Pakistani people that paid the ultimate price for a crime they did not commit."

Go do it.

If you find yourself lying in bed, and wanting to do something, I think it would be acceptable to go do it.

Life.

Do what you want, and live the life that happens.

Do what you need and live the life you want.